A little boy catches his mummy riding his daddy,the boy asked, what are you doing??
Mum replied"daddy's got a big belly so i get on top to flatten it"
The boy says"you're wasting your time because when you're out shopping the lady from next door gets down on her knees and blows it back up.
Friday 26 November 2010
Love Dress
A mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered."But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute."
The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" she replied.
"It Needs ironing." he said
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered."But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute."
The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.
Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" she replied.
"It Needs ironing." he said
Monday 22 November 2010
Another man's labour
A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.
apple of life
A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.
Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"
Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.
Without them we wouldn't be here."
Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.
To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"
Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"
Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.
Without them we wouldn't be here."
Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.
To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"
True Hunt
An 85-year old man is having his annual checkup. The Doctor asks him how he is feeling."I've got an eighteen-year old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"The Doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know of a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season.But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezed the handle. BAM !The beaver drops dead in front of him."That's impossible!", says the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."The Doctor says, "My point exactly."
Mission Accomplished
A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approached her husband wearing the exact same sexy negligee she had worn on their wedding night. She looked at her husband and said, "Honey, do you remember this?" He looked up at her and said, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married." She said, "That's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?" He nodded and said, "Yes dear, I still remember." "Well, what was it?" she asked. He responded, "As I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big boobs and screw your brains out.' " She giggled and said, "Yes honey, that's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, and I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?" Again he looked up at her, and he replied, "Mission accomplished."
A Night To Remember
John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him."Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?""Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.""He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him.""You did," came the reply. "And he fired you.""Well, screw him!" said John."I did. You're back at work on Monday.
Interpreter Toh Bad
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is. Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !"
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger.".......
When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is. Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !"
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger.".......
Thursday 23 September 2010
Why not the Lover? © 2syne
"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.
"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!"
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.
"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!"
Hard worker
Chukwu works hard at the office but spends two nights each week working out at the gym, & playing golf every Saturday n Sunday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she chooses to surprise him & takes him to a very popular strip club.
The bouncer at the club greets them and says, 'Heey, Oga Chukwu,I dey hail O!!, How today go be now?
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before..
'Oh no,' says Chukwu. 'we work out together at the gym.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Chukwu if he'd like his usual and brings over a Gulder.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Gulder?'
'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Gulder at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Chukwu, starts to rub herself all over him and says,
'Hi Chukwu, Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Chukwu's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club
Chukwu follows and spots her getting into a taxi. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Chukwu tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The Taxi Driver turns around and says,
'Haba! Oga Chukwu, This one wey you pick today na real fire o!!!! You picked a real bitch dis time!
Well, Chukwu's obituary is tomorrow
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she chooses to surprise him & takes him to a very popular strip club.
The bouncer at the club greets them and says, 'Heey, Oga Chukwu,I dey hail O!!, How today go be now?
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before..
'Oh no,' says Chukwu. 'we work out together at the gym.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Chukwu if he'd like his usual and brings over a Gulder.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Gulder?'
'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Gulder at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Chukwu, starts to rub herself all over him and says,
'Hi Chukwu, Want your usual table dance, big boy?'
Chukwu's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club
Chukwu follows and spots her getting into a taxi. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Chukwu tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The Taxi Driver turns around and says,
'Haba! Oga Chukwu, This one wey you pick today na real fire o!!!! You picked a real bitch dis time!
Well, Chukwu's obituary is tomorrow
The wrong key**contributed by Karim Mohammed
Terfa is about to embark on a long journey and decides that his wife mimi should wear steel underwear. He locks the underwear and gives the key to his friend Ben saying "if I don't come back in 45years please unlock the steel and set my wife free. Terfa sets out on his journey and half an hour later sees a cloud of dust behind him, he waits and sees ben running after him. "What's wrong? He asked ben and ben (still panting) replies "u gave me the wrong key!!!
Tuesday 21 September 2010
Yo mama jokez
Your mom's so fat when she took her dress to the cleaners they told her, "Sorry, we don't do curtains."
Your mothers so fat, people jog around her for exercise.
Your mothers so fat that when she wore an "X" jacket a helicopter tried to land on her back.
Your mothers so fat, when she stepped on the scale it said, "To be continued."
Yo mama so ugly, her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.
Yo mama so ugly, when she walks down the street in September, people say "Damn, is it Halloween already?"
Yo mama so fat, she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller
Yo mama so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."
Yo mama so ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
Yo momma so fat, scientists have declared her ass to be the 10th planet.
Your mothers so fat, people jog around her for exercise.
Your mothers so fat that when she wore an "X" jacket a helicopter tried to land on her back.
Your mothers so fat, when she stepped on the scale it said, "To be continued."
Yo mama so ugly, her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.
Yo mama so ugly, when she walks down the street in September, people say "Damn, is it Halloween already?"
Yo mama so fat, she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller
Yo mama so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."
Yo mama so ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
Yo momma so fat, scientists have declared her ass to be the 10th planet.
More yo mama jokes
Yo mamas so poor she collects money from beggars
Yo mamas so short she makes mario feel like michael jordan on a bball court
Yo mamas so stupid she sold her blackberry for BIS money
Yo Momma's so fat, when she walks by the TV I miss a season of Friends.
Yo momma's so stupid she sold her car for gas money.
Yo mamma so old she has the autographed version of the Bible.
Yo momma's so stupid, she call you a son of a bitch.
Yo momma so old her birth certificate expired.
Yo mamas so short she makes mario feel like michael jordan on a bball court
Yo mamas so stupid she sold her blackberry for BIS money
Yo Momma's so fat, when she walks by the TV I miss a season of Friends.
Yo momma's so stupid she sold her car for gas money.
Yo mamma so old she has the autographed version of the Bible.
Yo momma's so stupid, she call you a son of a bitch.
Yo momma so old her birth certificate expired.
Monday 20 September 2010
Blonde joke-Head n shoulders
There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator. On their way down, they stop to pick up another person also on their way down. When the person got on, the girls noticed that he was pretty cute. Unfortunately he had dandruff. Finally, on the way off of the elevator the two girls let the guy go ahead of them. The brunette turns to the blonde and says "Oh my god! We need to give him Head
and Shoulders." The blonde then replies "That's a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?
and Shoulders." The blonde then replies "That's a pretty good idea, but how are we going to give him shoulders?
Blonde joke-High flyerz
There were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer. A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two more it will take us another half hour though. One of the blondes says "If we lose the two last engines we will be up here all day
Pick up-- contributed by Dafe
A man wantd 2 hv sex wit his secretary, he said to her, i wil give you #20,000 i wil throw it on d floor u wil bend down n i wil b tru b4 u pick it. D woman cald her husband and told him abt it. D husband says, ask him for #50,000 n pick d money fast b4 he zips down. Afta waitn fo d wife's call abt 1hr d husband cals ...n ...askd wat hapend d wife replied.."The Idiot used Coins" I am still picking them
Yo mama jokez
Yo mamaz so fat, she culdnt even jump to a conclusion
Yo mamaz so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat, d kids say, "Mummy, der goes d school bus"
Yo mamaz so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat, d kids say, "Mummy, der goes d school bus"
Lots of Love***** contributed by Dafe Imiruaye
a nigerian woman tot lol meant lots of love so she wrote a letter..."dear susan am sorry abt the loss of ur daughter...take heart eh..its well...lol"
Blonde joke- familiar face
Two blondes walking down the street. One reaches into her pocketbook for a make up compact and looks into the mirror. "This picture looks like someone I know" she says. The other one has a look and says, "Of course dummy, it's ME...
Cannibal Fruit Test **** Contributed by Tosin Oyewole
Cannibals captured three men who were lost in the forest. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."
The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."
The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.
Cannibal Fruit Test ****
Cannibals captured three men who were lost in the forest. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."
The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."
The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.
Sunday 19 September 2010
Bad birdy
One day there was this man that went to a beach completely unclothed even though the beach was a non-unclothed beach.But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?"The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it."He soon falls asleep.Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said "well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it's neck, stepped on it's eggs, and burned it's nest
Mummy's black sponge
Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her womanliness.He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge."A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!"She replies, "I lost it, honey."A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?"Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!
Some Laws Ibikunle n Newton left out
LAW OF BREAD: When the buttered slice of bread falls it always fall on the buttered side.
LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one youare in now.
LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.
LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the next morning you will have a flat tyre.
BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!
LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one youare in now.
LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.
LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the next morning you will have a flat tyre.
BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!
Game on
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
Deepest Condolences
A widow goes on her first date since her husband's death, and afterward the two end up back at her place. Once in the bedroom, she takes off everything but her black panties."You can touch me anywhere else," she says, "but down there I'm still mourning.""I figured as much," says the man. He then proceeds to pull down his pants and put on a black condom. "If you don't mind, I'd like to offer my deepest condolences.
Money talks
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer: "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal." The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."
Matters of d heart
One day, the vagina escaped and decided to take a walk around the body.She first came across the bladder and asked: Who are you?The bladder replied : I'm the bladder.Further on, she came across the kidneys and said : You guys must betwins, who are you?The kidneys replied : We are the kidneys.She went further up, coming across the lungs, the liver and so on.....As she went up she came across the heart and asked : Who are you?And the heart replied : I'm the heart.The vagina screamed : AHAAAAA!!!!! !!!!!!! You are the bastard I have beenlooking for.The heart was surprised : But why are you so mad at me, what did I do toyou?What do you mean what did you do to me?You are the one going around falling in love and guess what happens to me? I'm the one who's being screwed!!
Words and their differences
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?Stress is when wife is pregnant.Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant.Panic is when both are pregnant.
Nigerian wonder
In the time of OBJ
Once in a conference, three scientist: an American, a German and a Nigerian, were talking and bragging about the technologicaladvances their representative countries have achieved in thefield of medicine.Says the American, "In Washington, there was a baby boy born without forearms, so we attached artificial forearms on him. And now that he is grown, he has become an Olympic professional boxer and a gold medallist at that." The German replied, That's nothing to what we have done back in Berlin, there was a baby girl born without legs on her, she is 3 times marathon gold medallist in the Olympics!!" The Nigerian interjected laughingly, "Is that all you have, just gold medallist? In Abuja, we have a baby born without a head! We attached a coconut to the neck and he is now the president" {no be me tok am o!}
Once in a conference, three scientist: an American, a German and a Nigerian, were talking and bragging about the technologicaladvances their representative countries have achieved in thefield of medicine.Says the American, "In Washington, there was a baby boy born without forearms, so we attached artificial forearms on him. And now that he is grown, he has become an Olympic professional boxer and a gold medallist at that." The German replied, That's nothing to what we have done back in Berlin, there was a baby girl born without legs on her, she is 3 times marathon gold medallist in the Olympics!!" The Nigerian interjected laughingly, "Is that all you have, just gold medallist? In Abuja, we have a baby born without a head! We attached a coconut to the neck and he is now the president" {no be me tok am o!}
African China
A chinese man and his newly wedded, pretty chinese wife moved over to Nigeria to have a taste of Africa. After a while, the wife got pregnant and finally gave birth to a black baby! The chinese man named the baby...''SUM TIN WONG''
Nigerian Hell
A man dies and goes to hell.There he finds that there is a different hell for each country and decideshe'll pick the least painful to spend his eternity.He goes to Germany hell & asks, "what do they do here?" He is told "first they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day". The man does not like the sound of that at all so he moves on.He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.He discovers that they are all similar to the German hell. Then he comes to the Nigerian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in ... Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"He is told "first they put you in an electric chair for an hour, then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. The Nigerian devil comes in & whips you for the rest of the day.""But that is exactly the same as all the other hells. Why are there so manypeople waiting to get in?" asks the man."Because there is never any electricity so the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable to sleep on. And the Nigerian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business.
Authentic prescription
A lady walks into a drug store, tells d pharmacist she needs some cyanide. He asks her why? "To poison my husband". "Lord hv mercy, i cant give u, its against d law. Dey'll throw us both in jail & i wil lose my licence". D lady den reaches into her purse, brings out d picture of her husband in bed wit d pharmacist's wife & hands it to him. He looks at d pix & replies, "U shuld hv told me u had a prescription
Saturday 18 September 2010
Making people happy
Obj,IBB & Atiku were on a plane. OBJ said, I can thrw N1000 note dwn & make som1 happy. IBB said I can throw 2 N500 notes & mk 2 pple happy. Atiku said I can throw 5 N200 notes & make 5 pple happy. D pilot heard dem & said 2 himself, "Idiots" , I can throw all 3 of u ......down & make 150million nigerians happy
IBB campaign
Ibrahim Babangida visited a school to campaign.
The excited kids wanted to ask him questions and he obliged them.
Dare stood up and said "Mr. President, I have three questions":
1. Who killed Dele Giwa?
2. Why did you annul the June 12 Election?
3. Who frustrated the judicial processes and why was Gani Fawehinmi not allowed to try your security chiefs for the murder of Dele Giwa based on the evidence he had?
Before Babangia could answer, the recess bell rang, and the kids went
on break. When they came back the session continued.
Musa got up and said “Mr President, I have five questions for you?”
1. Who killed Dele Giwa?
2. Why did you annul the June 12 Election?
3. Who frustrated the judicial processes and why was Gani Fawehinmi not allowed to try your security chiefs for the murder of Dele Giwa based on the evidence he had?
4. Why did the recess bell ring one hour early?
5. Where's Dare???
The excited kids wanted to ask him questions and he obliged them.
Dare stood up and said "Mr. President, I have three questions":
1. Who killed Dele Giwa?
2. Why did you annul the June 12 Election?
3. Who frustrated the judicial processes and why was Gani Fawehinmi not allowed to try your security chiefs for the murder of Dele Giwa based on the evidence he had?
Before Babangia could answer, the recess bell rang, and the kids went
on break. When they came back the session continued.
Musa got up and said “Mr President, I have five questions for you?”
1. Who killed Dele Giwa?
2. Why did you annul the June 12 Election?
3. Who frustrated the judicial processes and why was Gani Fawehinmi not allowed to try your security chiefs for the murder of Dele Giwa based on the evidence he had?
4. Why did the recess bell ring one hour early?
5. Where's Dare???
2 can play that game
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer: "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?" The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the pastor and hissed: "I thought we had a deal." The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."
Mr. Lecturer
A student comes to a young professor's office. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean.." she whispers, "..I would do ANYTHING!!" He returns her gaze. "Anything??" "Yes,.. Anything!" She says.His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you.. study??"
Spaghetti and meat ballz
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife."Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today.""Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."
Dead-ly mistake
A man checked into a hotel. Dere was a computer in his room, so he decided 2 snd an e-mail 2 his wife.
However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail addres, nd witout realizing his error, he sent d e-mail.
Meanwhile.... Somewhere in Houston, a widow had jst returnd frm her husband's funeral.
D widow decidd to check her e-mail, expectin condolence mesages frm relatives nd frndz.
After readn d first message, she fainted. D widow's son rushed into 2 room, found his mother on d floor, nd saw d computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've reached
Date: 10 Aug, 2010?
I know you're surprised 2 hear frm me. They hav computers here, nd we
re allowed to send e-mails 2 loved ones.
I've just reached n hv bn checked in.
I see dat evrytin has bn prepared 4ur arrival 2moro
Lukn 4ward 2 seeing u 2MORO!
However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail addres, nd witout realizing his error, he sent d e-mail.
Meanwhile.... Somewhere in Houston, a widow had jst returnd frm her husband's funeral.
D widow decidd to check her e-mail, expectin condolence mesages frm relatives nd frndz.
After readn d first message, she fainted. D widow's son rushed into 2 room, found his mother on d floor, nd saw d computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've reached
Date: 10 Aug, 2010?
I know you're surprised 2 hear frm me. They hav computers here, nd we
re allowed to send e-mails 2 loved ones.
I've just reached n hv bn checked in.
I see dat evrytin has bn prepared 4ur arrival 2moro
Lukn 4ward 2 seeing u 2MORO!
Elevator or Make over machine
A man from the village and his boy were visiting a mall in Lagos for the first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.The boy asked his father, "Papa wetin be dis?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "My pikin I neva see dis kind tin before for my life o."While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The same walls opened up again and to his surprise, a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Akpos, go bring your mama come!
Friday 17 September 2010
Church testimony of a bb-holic
At a church, when the time for testimony was announced, a certain brother became very happy and excited and with that excitement ran towards the altar. The pastor seeing such joy allowed the man to speak first before the others that came before him and he said to the suprise of the whole church including the pastor
"Make u na help me praise God , I fall commot from okada yesterday I get big cut 4 my head and hand, bt nothing do my BB, praise the lord"
"Make u na help me praise God , I fall commot from okada yesterday I get big cut 4 my head and hand, bt nothing do my BB, praise the lord"
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